SELF-CRITICISM OR SELF-COMPASSION? How to stop hating yourself

Today's program focuses on the topics of shame, self-criticism, and compassion. We explore why shame is important and how to support ourselves and others through self-compassion. We also discuss the concept of healthy self-criticism.

Self-criticism is a psychological phenomenon where individuals develop an internal dialogue that criticizes their actions or behavior. It can manifest as thoughts of self-doubt, feeling like one has done something wrong, or simply being aware of mistakes made. This habit may be automatic and unconscious.

Self-criticism is an automatic internal dialogue that serves a beneficial function. It can point out flaws and areas for improvement in certain situations. However, self-criticism can vary greatly, ranging from mild feelings of having done something wrong to intense self-attack or even self-hatred. The question arises: why do we engage in self-criticism if it often involves negative emotions? Self-criticism is believed to develop as part of human growth when individuals are criticized by others, such as parents or teachers. Additionally, peers who criticize or express negativity towards us may contribute to the formation of internalized self-critical thoughts.

Critiquing oneself is normal and can be beneficial for personal growth. However, excessive self-criticism can lead to negative experiences both physically and emotionally. It is important to strike a balance between self-reflection and maintaining a realistic perspective.

The Impact of Consciousness and Rumination Consciousness and rumination can disrupt mental processes. Before sleep, there is a mix of conscious and unconscious thoughts that may arise when something doesn't go as planned. Self-criticism and the ability to self-correct are important aspects of consciousness. However, rumination can be difficult to stop as it involves a stream of thoughts with emotional implications.

'Rumination' - A Constant Mental Loop 'Rumination' refers to repetitive thought patterns accompanied by emotions such as anxiety or guilt. It often occurs without awareness but leads to constant feelings of distress. People who struggle with this internal dialogue find it challenging to track their own thoughts due to fragmented cognition.

Automatic Reactions and Self-Criticism Our automatic reactions often reinforce negative experiences, leading to self-criticism. This can create a vicious cycle where we berate ourselves for our mistakes and feel unworthy of success. These reactions are deeply ingrained in our psyche from childhood, where punishment followed negative evaluations.

"Inner Child" Work: Understanding and Healing "Inner child" refers to the part of us that holds emotions, reactions, and memories from childhood. Working with this inner child is crucial for self-understanding. The workbook "Reclaiming Your Inner Child," by Stefanie Stahl, offers practices to connect with your inner child through three steps: understanding your shadowy aspects from childhood; developing a relationship with your inner child; embracing the positive qualities instilled during early years.

Negative motivation is when the voice in your head pushes you to get things done by using negative reinforcement. For example, if you don't want something bad to happen, like getting punished or facing consequences, you will be motivated to take action and avoid it.

Understanding Healthy Self-Criticism Healthy self-criticism involves differentiating between constructive self-reflection and harmful self-criticism. It is important to be able to assess our abilities realistically and understand our limitations. This helps us have a compassionate understanding of ourselves, acknowledging both our talents and areas for improvement.

Bridging the Gap Between Idealized Self-Image and Reality 'Ideal' versions of ourselves often create a gap between who we want to be and who we actually are. This discrepancy leads to self-criticism as we strive towards an unrealistic ideal state. Exploring the origins of these ideals can help uncover underlying fears or insecurities that drive this behavior.

The Role of Shame and Guilt Shame and guilt are social emotions that regulate our behavior based on the interests and needs of others. They prevent us from acting solely in our own self-interests without considering the impact on others. These emotions serve as evolutionary mechanisms for regulating our behavior in society.

'Stid' vs 'Vina' 'Stid' (shame) and 'vina' (guilt) are powerful social regulators that influence our actions to avoid negative consequences. While shame is associated with immediate danger, guilt can be long-lasting and intense. The intensity of these reactions varies among individuals due to genetics, upbringing, or personal experiences.

The Evolution of Shame and Guilt Shame and guilt are evolutionary emotions that helped us avoid being excluded from our tribe. They serve as regulatory tools to consider the interests of others. The intensity of shame varies depending on genetics and experience, while cultural norms also play a role in determining what triggers shame.

Cultural Variations in Shame 'Stid' or shame can differ across cultures and regions within the same society. Cultural mixing occurs in large cities like Moscow, where each family may have its own set of acceptable behaviors without experiencing shame or judgment from other families. Personal experiences with sweat-related embarrassment highlight how societal standards influence feelings of shame.

The Impact of Social Media on Self-Perception and Online Behavior The influence of social networks on how people perceive themselves and behave online is slower than the evolution of social processes. Our brains develop slowly, while society changes faster. The internet has shaped our minds to function similarly to ancient humans, but with higher demands due to technological advancements. However, this leads to a discrepancy between our old-fashioned brains and the modern world.

The Challenges of Concentration in the Digital Age "Living" in the digital age poses challenges for concentration and self-reflection as we are constantly bombarded with emotions, thoughts, and interactions online. With an increasing number of subscribers or followers comes more interaction opportunities that require strong emotional responses from us. Additionally, negative comments can have a significant impact on individuals' well-being as they feel like personal attacks.

The Desire for Individuality Many people desire to be a bright individual and not blend in with the masses. This desire stems from valuing personal experiences and wanting to stand out from others. The cult of 'I' promotes the idea that being different is cool.

'Culture of Comparison' 'Culture of comparison' cultivates competition, self-criticism, and striving for success. It encourages individuals to constantly compare themselves with others, leading to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

The Drive for Status Capitalism fuels the drive for status as it equates financial success with personal worthiness. People strive to accumulate wealth as a measure of their value in society. However, this constant pursuit can lead to dissatisfaction rather than fulfillment.

Constructive Dialogue with a Tired Child The way we communicate with our children can greatly impact their emotional well-being. It is important to be mindful of the tone and language used in our internal dialogue as it can either help them feel more confident or threatened. By practicing empathy and compassion, we can create a constructive dialogue that allows the child to feel understood without being criticized.

Motivating and Supporting Children through Constructive Feedback 'One size fits all' approach does not work when providing feedback to children. Instead, it is crucial to acknowledge their achievements, encourage them from different angles, and provide explanations for improvement rather than focusing on criticism alone. Creating a motivational dialogue helps children develop self-esteem while balancing leisure time with learning activities tailored specifically for them.

Understanding Compassion Compassion is the sensitivity to suffering, whether it's our own or others'. It involves being empathetic and taking action to alleviate or prevent suffering. Self-compassion means acknowledging our own pain without judgment. To truly understand someone's suffering, we need empathy and tolerance for their pain.

Components of Compassion 'Sensitivity', 'empathy', 'tolerance' are key components of compassion. Sensitivity refers to being aware of one's emotions and those of others in order to reduce suffering. Empathy allows us to see the world through another person's eyes without criticizing them. Tolerance is the ability to withstand intense emotions while remaining functional.

The Ease of Compassion Sometimes it is easier to feel compassion for others than for ourselves. This technique in therapy helps us imagine showing care and empathy towards someone else, like a younger sister or friend. However, not everyone finds it easy to extend the same kindness and understanding towards themselves.

'Stradanie' - The Complexity of Compassion 'Stradanie' refers to the process of suffering with and for others. It involves being both receptive to their pain as well as offering support. However, this can be challenging due to fears, resistance, and associations with vulnerability. Many people have experienced trauma or criticism when reaching out for help from others.

Working with Internal Beliefs and Empathy One technique is to work with internal beliefs and cultivate empathy. This involves recognizing our own beliefs, analyzing their functionality, and reevaluating them if necessary. By understanding our own experiences of trauma or rejection, we can revise these beliefs by formulating alternative perspectives. The first part of this process is awareness and analysis while the second part involves training ourselves to have self-compassion in different situations.

Regulating Emotions through Imagery Techniques "Breathing techniques", "slowing down", or "shifting attention" are some effective methods for regulating emotions when faced with challenging situations that trigger negative feelings like anger or guilt. These techniques help us engage rational cognitive components alongside acknowledging our emotional state without succumbing to shame or anger-induced thinking patterns. Imagery techniques involve visualizing calm scenarios as a means of soothing oneself during distressing moments."

Overcoming Discomfort with Empathy "I feel uncomfortable when people pity me." Natasha and Karina share their experiences with empathy, highlighting the importance of understanding others' emotions. While Natasha initially struggled to accept sympathy, she eventually learned how to empathize and support others.

The Power of Emotional Connection "Expressing emotions is challenging for me." Both Natasha and Karina discuss their difficulties in showing vulnerability and compassion towards others. They acknowledge that building strong relationships requires overcoming negative associations with expressing empathy.

Empathy and Compassion "To feel good, I need to empathize with others." When we care for others, it brings us closer to finding our own happiness. Sometimes, when we experience emotions from others, it can make us feel overwhelmed or weak. This leads to feelings of shame and guilt which block support and comfort. Empathy is an evolutionary trait that helps us connect with each other.

The Power of Compassion "Compassion allows us to alleviate suffering." Research shows that when we develop compassion towards others, our ability to endure suffering increases. By helping others in need, we also find relief ourselves. It's important for individuals in a group setting to focus on the tasks at hand so they can provide assistance where needed.

Balancing Self-Care and Care for Others Finding balance between caring for oneself while also caring about the needs of others is challenging but necessary. It requires understanding why this imbalance occurs and starting a journey towards self-regulation through training. Self-compassion plays a crucial role as well; acknowledging one's exhaustion or irritability without judgment enables personal growth. By recognizing these patterns within ourselves, we can work toward achieving equilibrium—being both compassionate toward ourselves and supportive friends.

Self-criticism is seen as an additional suffering on top of the existing suffering that we criticize ourselves for. It is a crucial concept to consider in today's conversation, as suffering is inevitable and life constantly changes. Accepting that suffering is unavoidable creates a foundation for compassion and empathy.